I Am a Human Toilet: Repost

This is a blog I wrote back in 2008. I find it funny, reading it over again but the reason it's even on my mind is that I get the most RANDOM "ads" posted on it. I reject them all but some of the stuff is really weird (like, freaky weird). I'm debating deleting the originally blog so I don't have to moderate anymore inappropriate ads but until I decide for sure, I thought I'd share it here.

Enjoy :)

2.26.2008

I am a human toilet.

Being a mother comes with many other titles. You learn them as you go. You become a homemaker many times, a chef, a designer, a manager, a hostage negotiator, and many more things! One title I never thought I'd bear was that of "human toilet" but alas, my fate has been sealed...

I was first introduced to my new job duty with my first child. I was still breastfeeding Maggie and so she was having that seedy, mustard looking poopy as she wasn't on solids or anything yet. Well, I was a young, single mommy and we shared a room at my mother's, so I didn't have a nursery and I usually just changed her on my bed. As I carefully removed her poopy diaper and folded it ever so nicely, I figured she'd be fine diaper free for a sec (after all, it was all in the diaper, right?). Well, I wasn't prepared for what happened next! As I lifted her legs up to put her new diaper on, she projectile pooped ALL OVER ME! I was not only a new mommy, I was a young mommy, so this was not something I was AT ALL prepared for!! I was covered in seedy, liquidy poop! I changed clothes, sheets and finally her diaper and jumped into the longest, steamiest shower ever!

Now that I had experienced this, I knew you were never safe, not even for a moment, from the poop factor! I was always prepared with a fresh diaper to slip right now after the dirty one. I would even make sure to unfold it and prepare the tabs prior to removal of the soiled dipe!

I made it 5 whole years without ever experiencing a poop drench again! That is, until last night...

The baby beast was sitting on my lap, bouncing and cooing about, when I heard the puttering warning sounds of diaper doody (yes, that's a purposeful typo). As he ever so joyfully filled his drawers, my brother and I continued our conversation, that is until I felt wet...very wet. I figured he probably leaked a little and so I lifted him up and O.M.G. I was COVERED in his poopsie! I had no clue how it had made it's way from his bowels to my pants (and shirt, and chair...) because he had not a "drop" on him!!

I laid him down and went to clean up (I've learned now having 3 kids, that hot steamy shower I had the first time...was the last in a LONG time...). Once clean and changed I came back to solve this mystery. The beast was kicking around and laughing, not even phased by the mess in his drawers, but there was still no apparent leak!

Upon further examination, it was clear where the mess had seeped from. Somehow, and without leaving much of a mark, it had leaked out from between his legs, the crotch area, and nicely settled on moi. When I opened his diaper, there was barely a skidmark inside. He had, in fact, covered me in all of his wonderful poopiness.

I finally came to terms with the fact that on top of being a program organizer, a maid, a magician and a performer, I was also a human toilet.

Adventures in Potty Training!

I would NEVER suggest to someone to start potty training before two...usually. My stance is typically that when a child is ready, not only will it be easier and less messy for you, but it will be easier emotionally on the child. Some kids are ready at 2...others are still not ready at 4. Gentle encouragement after a certain age is great, but honestly, your kid won't be in diapers forever...don't push it!

My girls were both trained right around 2.5 years old. It was quick, easy, and painless. I had always heard boys are so much harder to train than girls and that they usually aren't going to use the potty till age 3 or later, so I never expected this. Alexander first used the potty at a year old. He loved it, thought it was great, plus, he got to play with his favorite toy...if you know what I mean. He continued to randomly use the potty for a while, with no pushing from me, but just happy encouragement when he wanted to go.

For the past 2 months he's consistently pooped in the potty (hooray for not having to wash poo diapers anymore! LOL) and has been hit or miss with his tinkles. Some days, we could have gone all day with no accidents, even during nap, others, I went through every pair of undies he owned in an hour. Needless to say, that was perfectly fine, I HARDLY expected a potty trained 18 month old. Now, at 2o months old today, he went consistently, even at the grocery store, in underwear. While shopping he even "told" me he had to go pee, and went IN the potty, on the other end of the store, without so much as a drip in his underoos. I am SO proud of him. This is AWESOME. I don't know if it's because of his sisters, I don't know if it's because of cloth diapering, I don't know if he's just a genius (haha) but this is such new and uncharted territory for me...and I LOVE it.

So, wish Alexander and I luck tomorrow (today) with our new adventures in underwear!!