I am a human toilet.

Being a mother comes with many other titles. You learn them as you go. You become a homemaker many times, a chef, a designer, a manager, a hostage negotiator, and many more things! One title I never thought I'd bear was that of "human toilet" but alas, my fate has been sealed...

I was first introduced to my new job duty with my first child. I was still breastfeeding Maggie and so she was having that seedy, mustard looking poopy as she wasn't on solids or anything yet. Well, I was a young, single mommy and we shared a room at my mother's, so I didn't have a nursery and I usually just changed her on my bed. As I carefully removed her poopy diaper and folded it ever so nicely, I figured she'd be fine diaper free for a sec (after all, it was all in the diaper, right?). Well, I wasn't prepared for what happened next! As I lifted her legs up to put her new diaper on, she projectile pooped ALL OVER ME! I was not only a new mommy, I was a young mommy, so this was not something I was AT ALL prepared for!! I was covered in seedy, liquidy poop! I changed clothes, sheets and finally her diaper and jumped into the longest, steamiest shower ever!

Now that I had experienced this, I knew you were never safe, not even for a moment, from the poop factor! I was always prepared with a fresh diaper to slip right now after the dirty one. I would even make sure to unfold it and prepare the tabs prior to removal of the soiled dipe!

I made it 5 whole years without ever experiencing a poop drench again! That is, until last night...

The baby beast was sitting on my lap, bouncing and cooing about, when I heard the puttering warning sounds of diaper doody (yes, that's a purposeful typo). As he ever so joyfully filled his drawers, my brother and I continued our conversation, that is until I felt wet...very wet. I figured he probably leaked a little and so I lifted him up and O.M.G. I was COVERED in his poopsie! I had no clue how it had made it's way from his bowels to my pants (and shirt, and chair...) because he had not a "drop" on him!!

I laid him down and went to clean up (I've learned now having 3 kids, that hot steamy shower I had the first time...was the last in a LONG time...). Once clean and changed I came back to solve this mystery. The beast was kicking around and laughing, not even phased by the mess in his drawers, but there was still no apparent leak!

Upon further examination, it was clear where the mess had seeped from. Somehow, and without leaving much of a mark, it had leaked out from between his legs, the crotch area, and nicely settled on moi. When I opened his diaper, there was barely a skidmark inside. He had, in fact, covered me in all of his wonderful poopiness.

I finally came to terms with the fact that on top of being a program organizer, a maid, a magician and a performer, I was also a human toilet.


Baby, baby, oh baby!

So...I absolutely LOATHE artificial birth control. The feeling of having artificial hormones in my body and the fact that ALL BC has a "back up" plan to keep an egg from implanting (yes, if it becomes fertilized, it prevents implantation, which to me and many others is a form of abortion) is enough to keep me off it. Not to mention the TERRIBLE symptoms (weight gain, horrid periods, etc) that I experienced when on it. So, where am I going with this?

Seth and I decided while I was still pregnant with turd #3 that I we would use NFP (natural family planning). I had mocked this idea many times before (ex: Q: What do you call a couple that practices nfp? A: PARENTS! hahaha) but the more I learned about it, the more it just made sense. And actually, the more I learned about BC, the scarier it became!!

Now, it's no secret that I'm breastfeeding, and exclusively no less. Ecological breastfeeding is a very effective way to keep fertility at bay, HOWEVER you must "follow" it to a T or else it isn't going to be as effective. We planned on utilizing the benefits of this while I took time to get some NFP books and learn my cycle etc. Well, I didn't plan on having such a good baby! He has been practically sleeping through the night since he was a newborn and even during the day can go hours without a feeding. In order to make breastfeeding an effective way to curb fertility, you MUST feed every 4-5 hours AT LEAST. Needless to say, this hasn't been the case, especially the last 2 months.

Where am I going with this? Well, the Mister and I were having our monthly intimate session (yea, we probably do it more than that, but with 3 kids and still only being 4 months pp, I'm not feeling all that "hot" right now) and basically, we weren't very careful. I haven't bought ANY NFP books (my fault, I know) and so we've been playing it safe, until Friday night. Now, it's way too early to tell anything, obviously, and I'm most likely NOT fertile, even with the breastfeeding gaps, HOWEVER, it really is a possibility that I could end up pregnant from this friendly little romp.

Am I upset? No. Ideally I would have LOVED to TTC when Alexander was around 18 months old and hubby has been pretty on the fence (but moreso on the side of the fence that says "NO MORE KIDS!") so, this would still be a very welcomed pregnancy as I KNOW I want at least one more, it just isn't how I would "plan" it.

At first I was sort of stressing, but, why? Why stress when a) I don't even KNOW if I'm pregnant and cannot test for probably 2 or 3 weeks b) I WANT a fourth child and c) I know, each time I have sex, with BC, condoms, NFP, whatever, it IS A REAL RISK that I could get pregnant, everyone knows that (right?). So, whatever will be will be! I am going to be slightly anxious/nervous for the next couple of weeks until I "know" (I swear, I hate my mind, all day I "felt" pregnant lol) but whatever the results, I'm ready!

**for the record, when used and practiced correctly, NFP is just as effective (if not moreso) than BC. If you are unhappy with the side effects of your BC or just like to life a more natural life style, purchase some books on NFP and start practicing, but do it the right way or else, like any other BC method, you affect it's effectiveness and put yourself "at risk" for getting pregnant**


The Cup of Puke

Maggie woke up sick this morning, which my husband blames on my Turkey, though I disagree! In any event, she was throwing up every 30 minutes or so for a few hours, then just stopped. She said she was good enough to have lunch with Gramma.

We picked Gramma up from work and went to Perko's, where the girls ordered smiley pancakes. Maggie ate pretty fast, we tried to slow her down, but there was no stopping her as she consumed those pancakes as if in an eating contest! After going back to work with Gramma and visiting her co-workers, the kids and I headed home. Just around the corner and Maggie said her tummy hurt. I had to think fast. She had her cup, from the restaraunt. I had her take off the lid and get it ready, just in case she couldn't hold it until home.

A few short minutes later, I hear the lovely sound of her pukefest. Thankfully, she has good aim, and I have automatic windows to clear the air!!


How to Cope

Often times I'm approached by strangers (or even friends and family) asking how I cope with having 3 kids, especially being so young. The short and simple answer is "You just do! There's not a choice NOT to cope!". But, really and truly, there are mechanics in place to make this mother-child relationship work times 3.

So, without further ado, here's how to cope:

Pick your Battles
This has got to be one of the most important pieces to making my puzzle work! If I were to scold or correct everything that one child did "wrong", I'd spend my whole day nagging. I don't wish for my kids to live in a negative environment, nor do I wish to reside in one. So, instead, I pick the parts that I feel deem worthy of discipline or lecture. These include instances that are dangerous, in which someone was hurt (emotionally or physically), when they crossed the line of inappropriate or when they blatantly disregaurd a rule. Other times, I just let it roll. 9 times out of 10 your children will do things simply for the attention they get anyway.

Don't Plan
Now, I may be alone in the mom world here, but for us, if I DON'T plan and just do things spontaneously it works so much better! If I plan on doing something, it almost always stresses me out, gets the kids riled up and ends in a negative way. If I just go on a whim, our ship runs much more smoothly! Now, I plan to a certain extent, like, I know I will need to get groceries sometime in the next 2 days. But, that's the most planning I'll do for it. Then, sometime in the next 2 days, I'll pack the kids up when they're in good moods, load them in the van and head to the store, which will most definitely end up being a hell of a trip, but less of a hassel than had I planned it! It also makes it easier to be spontaneously with a baby who I nurse on demand. Since he's not scheduled, I can nurse him when he asks and then head to the store and not have to worry about nursing, shopping and chasing 2 0ther kids all at once!

Get rid of schedules!
This doesn't work for everyone, and I know it. But for us, NOT scheduling is so nice! Firstly, I HATE being told what to do and when to do it! I'm not always hungry at noon every day, sometimes I want lunch at 11, or maybe 1. Our kids are no different. I keep a vague time frame for when I like things to be done and I DO enforce that, however, it is definitely not to a tee. Bedtime is anywhere before 10pm. Breakfast is whenever the kids ask to eat. Naps...HA, I'm lucky if anyone naps! But that's ok!! This is how we run. This is what works!

Me time!!!!
This is big and EVERY mother should have this, but every mother should remember that her number one priority is her kiddos. Sometimes, me time just DOESN'T happen, and you HAVE GOT to be ok with that. I am! Yeah, I need to walk away sometimes and I've done it! You know those commercials advocating against SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome)? The ones that say "If you feel like shaking your baby, put it down and walk away."? Well, I utilize that philosophy. If I feel I'm going to yell or spank my kids, I walk away. I believe in gentle discipline, treating children with love and respect, like human beings. So, if I feel I'm not going to treat them that way, I leave the room. I take a breather. Sometimes, that's the only "me" time I get. Other times, I'm able to have my husband (who's usually only working or sleeping) take the kids for 15 minutes. This is usually just enough time for me to regain my strength. Ideally, I wish I could take a weekend away with my husband, but that's not a reality, and I won't let fantasy affect my parenting. Maybe some do. *shrug*

Don't Compare
I don't compare myself to other mommies. If I did, I would go crazy. Why? Because all mommies do things differently. I can't worry about Jane's finances and how they seem so much better off than me, and I can't worry about Marcy's debt because I can't imagine how she does it. It's not my problem. We have our own individual problems. And the same goes with kids. I can't worry about Donna's kids and how they are doing in school, or what milestones her baby has met (or not) or how her marriage is or isn't going. If I looked at all the things other people had, instead of focusing on what we have or need, I'd spend my whole life trying to rearrange my whole life! Ridiculous. So, I worry about us. I focus on us. I am proud of us. I make choices for us. This is how I cope with not going CRAZY!

The thing is, what works for me and mine, may not work for you and yours, but this is how I cope with life as a (practically single) mother of 3. If you're having trouble, feel free to adapt one of my methods, but remember, I am in no way responsible if it doesn't work! Seriously. :)


Typical Day...

As I'm basking in the warm sunlight of my glorious rose garden, draped in soft silk that blows in the gentle breeze, I reach over to take a sip of my ice cold long island. Just as I bring the cool glass to my hot, wet lips, it's knocked all over my beautiful white sheet...and I realize one of the kids has just jumped up onto the bed, and disturbed my peaceful sleep. Time to start the day!

I quickly and quietly shoo them away, desperately trying to avoid waking the sleeping babe next to me. I slide out from under the covers and tip-toe out the room, shutting the door ever so silently. I pour some cereal and milk for the girls and set them at the table to enjoy their breakfast.

I rush to go tinkle before the baby wakes me up, ready for his boob a la carte. Brushing my hair into a quick and neat pony tail is a must if I want to avoid the tugging and pulling the baby will put it through (not to mention the wonderful spit up I usually end up with!). When I walk back into the bedroom to adorn my oh so bodacious mommy body with clothes, the baby stirs and makes his morning cry, letting me know it's time to eat.

As I sit down to nurse him, the girls are finishing up breakfast. They begin running around the house while I calmly feed the baby. As he laps up the last of his yummy goodness, he smiles and coo's his good morning hello's.

Just when I think things are going peaceful, one of the girls begins crying, right after I hear a nice crash in the other room. As I sit the baby up he spits up his breakfast all over my clothes (Outfit number 1: lasted 5 minutes). I comfort crying baby number one while cleaning up spitty baby number 2, while lecturing bratty baby number 3, and wiping the regurgitated milk off my furniture (and self).

I can't wait for the rest of the day!!